Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
