im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
