dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize