the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
