Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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