Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
