After last night, I could never be a politician.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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