My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I have fence marks all over my body
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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