I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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