Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Banned from zoo.
Again?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
