There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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