Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
