Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
