Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
