The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
