these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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