So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
