You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
