i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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