hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
