Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
