you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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