Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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