1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
