After last night, I could never be a politician.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
