Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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