I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
