i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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