I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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