You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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