you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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