There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
