Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
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It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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