So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
