I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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