I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize