I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
