I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
