he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
