so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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