no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
