lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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