awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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