God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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