I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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