All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
