I think I died a long time ago.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
