Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
