I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize