I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
