Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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