Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
