I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
