At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
