dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
