i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
