I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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