hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
